What If?
“Don’t forget to turn the motor off on your way out!” A woman shouted from outside the room as Soni changes into her kameez. “Yes Ammi!” she replied. She looks at the kameez in the mirror which is definitely too long for her short stature. She sighs and starts to apply moisturizer on her round face, carefully avoiding the areas around her brown eyes. She picks up the ChapStick and smears it on her plump lips. Then she proceeds to comb and try to pull her long wavy hair in a ponytail. After several failed attempts, she gathers them in a messy bun and once again wishes to cut them short bob. But she knows Ammi won’t approve.
On cue, Shehnaz walks into the room and scans Soni from top to bottom. “The dress looks a little tight.” Soni turns and looks at her reflection again. Shehnaz hovers over her, “Once you lose a couple more kgs, this dress will look even better on you. I think for now when you wear your coat it will hide that. And that pink dupatta that I got you.”
She opens the wardrobe and attempts to look for the pink dupatta. Shehnaz pushes her aside and starts to rummage through the shelves. Within thirty seconds, she retrieves the dupatta under the pile of her neatly folded laundry.
“How can you find anything in this dumpster?” She scoffs and hands over 2.5 meters of cloth woven at the edges to Soni. She places it around the neck, carefully draping it over her chest. She pulls off a white coat hanging outside her wardrobe door and puts it over her kameez. Her stethoscope was safely tucked in her front breast pocket.
“Your father would be so proud of you. I am glad you chose to follow his wish instead of pursuing arts. You are so smart with such good grades. He knew if anyone could become a doctor in our family, it would be you.” Shehnaz looks at Soni with misty eyes and cups her cheek with her hand. “Plus, doctor girls get better rishtas.” She pats her cheek. “Make sure you are home by Maghrib.” She goes out of the room.
“Yes, Ammi.” Soni replies. She picks up her bag and heads out of the room.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Don’t forget to turn the motor off on your way out!” A woman shouted from outside the room as Soni changes into her shirt and zips up her jeans. “Yes Ammi!” she replies. She looks at her reflection in the mirror, twirling around. Pleased with the shirt that she found at the thrift market. And more proud of the fact about how she negotiated the price down from 600 PKR to 100 PKR. She starts to apply moisturizer on her round face, carefully avoiding the areas around her brown eyes. She looks for her signature maroon lipstick in the drawer and finds it underneath an envelope. Going from outline to filing in, she smacks her plump lips together. Then proceeds to comb her short bob hair, giving it a small bounce.
“Wear the pink dupatta with it.” Soni startles and looks at Shehnaz who is leaning against the bedroom.
“No Ammi! It doesn’t really go with the outfit. Besides I need to work on the shoot today and I need to have mobility in my outfit and the dupatta just keeps coming in the way.” Soni complains and moves to her bed.
“Why don’t you take the rest of your clothes off too? Won’t they get in the way?” Shehnaz taunts Soni.
She ignores and holds up her bag in one hand while trying to stuff her laptop in the bag. She then picks up her Canon DSLR Mark III which is equivalent to her 6 months of freelance gigs and multiple ballot committees for which she is still paying back, and places it in the camera bag gently.
“Why did you have to choose Arts? You have been such a bright student with straight As in Sciences in O Levels but you had to go on and take Humanities in A Levels and close all the prospects of ever getting back into Science.” Shehnaz scoffs.
“You know why I chose that. Being in the hospital reminds me of Papa and his last days. I just can’t do that.” Soni reminds her.
“That’s a coward’s reason. It was in fact your father’s dream for her oldest daughter to be a doctor. If you had loved your dad, you would have at least respected his wishes.” Shehnaz sits at the edge of the bed. “Plus doctor bahus’ are always more in demand too.” She insisted.
Soni rolls her eyes. “You know I want to be a writer and put stories out in the world.” She picks up her notebook and puts it in the bag and zips it up. She glances over at her mother and seeing the wrinkles around her eyes softens her a bit. “And I am going to do PhD anyway so I may not be a medical doctor, but I will have a Doctor title in my name anyways.” She chuckles.
Shehnaz folds her arms and raises her eyebrows as high as the expectations girls’ are perceived to comply with. “And beta, what about Shaadi?”
“Umm…” She peeks at the clock above her. “Oh no! I am late! I have to go!” She picks up the bag
“Be home by Maghrib!” Shehnaz shouts behind her.
“Can’t! I have the shoot!” And before Shehnaz gets to add anything, Soni rushes out of the door.
_____________________________________________________________________
Soni walks into the kitchen hurriedly and places her bag on the counter. She takes off her coat, places it on the top of the bag, and turns around to look at the kitchen. The dishes are filled to the brim in the sink while pots from the breakfast sit on the stove. She opens the refrigerator but immediately closes it when the waft of moldy bread and milk reaches her nose. She bows her head down in dismay. She pulls up the sleeves of her kameez, ties the dupatta sideways with a knot, and starts soaking the dishes in the sink. While they submerge in soap and water, she takes out a new pot and mixes in masoor and moong daal with spices to boil. Once it’s all set, she grabs the sponge and scrubs the pot, leaving no trace of the past. As they hang on the rack to dry she continues to cut cilantro, green chilies, and onion for the daal.
“Haan, haan, she is here.” Shehnaz walks up to Soni and accidentally nudges her. The knife slips out of her hand and drops to the floor while cutting her forefinger on her right hand.
“Ow!” She hurries to the sink and lets the cold water run on her finger for a minute.
“You are so dramatic! It’s probably nothing.” Shehnaz comments and continues to open the lid of the boiling daal on the stove. “Besides you are about to be a doctor, haven’t you seen far worse than this?”
Soni stays silent and shakes her hand a bit. Then brings the finger up in her face to examine the gash her mother’s comments left. She moves over to the counter, struggling to take out the first aid kit she carries in her bag with one hand.
“Once you are done with the bandage and adding tadka to the daal, come to the drawing room to say Salam to Azhar uncle.” Shehnaz said, as she moves out of the kitchen.
“But…”
Shehnaz turns and looks at Soni who is staring down at her finger intently. “But what?” She doesn’t respond.
“But what Soni?”
“Nothing.” She puts the first aid kit back in the bag and heads back to the stove.
“Okay, just come quick. I don’t want him to think you are avoiding him especially when he does so much for the family.”
“Jee Ammi.” Soni continues to stir the pot.
_____________________________________________________________________
Soni walks into the kitchen hurriedly and places the bag on the counter. The dishes are filled to the brim in the sink while pots from the breakfast sit on the stove. She opens the refrigerator but immediately closes it when the waft of moldy bread and milk reaches her nose. She bows her head down in dismay and closes the door back again. She pulls out her phone from the back pocket and fires up the Foodpanda app. Switching between multiple restaurants before deciding to order herself a beef pepperoni pizza. She glances up at the kitchen again, “Ugh, I will need a plate.”
She places the phone on the counter, heads to the sink, and starts soaking the dishes. Then after a couple of minutes, slowly scrubs off all traces of the food with the soapy sponge, rinse it and hang them on the rack to dry.
“Come to the drawing room and say Salam to Azhar uncle.” Shehnaz pops into the kitchen as Soni wipes off the counter.
“I am not coming,” Soni replies and picks up her phone from the counter and scrolls on it.
“What do you mean you are not coming?” She comes closer to Soni. “He has been waiting for you to come home for so long and you can’t even go in to say Salam?” She exclaims.
“I have told you a dozen times that I don’t want to talk to him or even see his face, especially after
what he did to me.” Soni shoots back.
“Oh please! He is not that kind of a man! He also talks to your younger sister, he never behaved that way with her because she has kept her boundaries set with him but you.” She gives Soni a look over,
“I have seen the chat between you two and you are not really innocent here either. That man has provided for you and this entire family for years and he is the reason you have been able to afford to study Arts in private university. If he had any malice or other reasons, he could have gotten handsy with Areej too but he didn’t. So stop this charade and go greet him!” She snapped.
“No.” Soni stares at Shehnaz in the eyes. “Whether you believe me or not, I am not going to see or talk to the person who is the reason why I have started therapy and the reason I get triggered when any man touches me. I know he helped us, and it was generous of him but that doesn’t mean that he gets to act however he wants with us. If you want to keep your relationship with him, fine, but I am taking care of my own expenses now and I don’t owe him anything.”
Saved by the doorbell, Soni walks out of the kitchen towards the main door.
_____________________________________________________________________
Soni is sitting on her bed, with her laptop in her lap tapping intently. The screen displays the application for a house job which is half-filled. The cursor is blinking in the preferred location. She types in Lahore. Then delete it. Then adds Karachi. Then deletes it back.
“What do I do? Being in a different city will make it so many things easier. I won’t have to face my mom, Azhar uncle, or all the nosy aunties but mom would never let me go.” She sighs and buries her face in her hands.
“Who are you talking to?” Shehnaz peeks in the door.
“No one.” She slams the laptop shut.
She walks into the room and sits down on the bed next to her. “Then why did you close your laptop?” Shehnaz looks at her inquisitively.
“Arey, I was just about to take a break and you walked in. Is everything okay? Do you need anything?” Soni tries to divert the conversation.
Shehnaz picks up the dupatta on the bed and folds it in half. “Oh yeah! I was here to tell you to get ready. There are some guests coming over tonight and I want you to look your best.” She drops the newly folded laundry on the bed.
“But for what?” Soni asks.
“What do you mean for what? They are coming to see you. It’s Khurrum Uncle’s son, Faisal. He is a banker at Meezan Bank, with a seven-figure salary, stable with his own house and car. He is a perfect match for you.” She boasts.
“Isn’t he 50 years old?” Soni inquired.
“Oho no. He is barely 40. A man should always be older than the girl anyway, it helps in the relationship. Your father was more than a decade older than me and he used to understand the world better than me. I was just a naïve 22-year-old girl. And trust I made so many blunders and your father helped me grow.” She sits next to Soni and pats her head. “Faisal can be that guide for you as well.”
Soni stands up in anger. “But Mom! I have my house job left. I am so close to becoming a doctor.
Once I get married, I won’t be able to continue that anymore.” She waves her hands in exasperation.
Shehnaz towers over Soni and holds her hand on the sides. “No one is asking you to quit. You can continue your education after marriage. It’s not the end of the world. You are 23 and by this age, I already had you and was pregnant with your brother. If we wait for you to finish your degree, you will be 26 and you won't get better proposals for girls at that age.” She cups her face. “You know I will never plan anything bad for you. Just trust me.”
Soni exhales but her hands are in a fist. “Jee Ammi.”
_____________________________________________________________________
Soni is sitting on her bed tapping intently. The screen displays the application to the MFA Creative Writing program that she has completed. She closes her eyes and whispers a little prayer before hitting send.
“Finally! This is done!” She exhales a huge sigh of relief.
“What happened?” Shehnaz peeks in from the bedroom door.
“Nothing!” Soni closes the laptop lid.
“Then why did you shut your laptop after seeing me?” Shehnaz takes a step forward and looks at her closely.
“Arey I just submitted one of my assignments so I was just relieved that it was done. It was pretty close to the deadline. You tell me, what’s up? Why are you here?” Soni tries to deflect the conversation.
“Oh yes!” She walks into the room and sits next to her in bed. “I was here to tell you to get ready. There are some guests coming over tonight and I want you to look your best.” She exclaims.
“But for what?” Soni asks.
“What do you mean for what? They are coming to see you. It’s Khurrum Uncle’s son, Faisal. He is a banker at Meezan Bank, with a seven-figure salary, stable with his own house and car. He is a perfect match for you.” She boasts.
“No, he is not and he is almost 50 years old!” Soni screams.
“Oho no. He is barely 40. A man should always be older than the girl anyway, it helps in the relationship. Your father was more than a decade older than me and he used to understand the world better than me. I was just a naïve 22-year-old girl. And trust I made so many blunders and your father helped me grow.” She sits next to Soni and pats her head. “Faisal can be that guide for you as well.”
“But I am not ready for marriage!” Soni throws her hands in the air.
Shehnaz jumps up and faces her. “What do you mean you don’t want to marry? You are 23 right now. At this age, I already had you and was pregnant with your brother. It is your turn now!”
“No, it is not! I still have 1 semester left in my undergrad and after which I want to pursue a Master's!” Soni retorts back.
“What Masters? I allowed you to finish up your Bachelor's only. After that, I told you, I am going to set you up in marriage. You can do all that after this. For now, get ready.” Shehnaz walks back to the bedroom door.
“No!” Soni bellows. “I have already sent my applications out for Masters and received acceptance from one. After I finish my undergrad, I am leaving this house.” She folds her hands in anger.
“How long is your Master's for?” Shehnaz asks while standing at the door, imitating Soni.
“Well after my Bachelors, there will be a three-year Masters in the US.” Still standing her ground. “I have everything sorted out already and I am doing this with or without your support. I am not livestock that needs to be paraded around people for proposals. I have a career plan ahead of me and when I am ready, and I find the man I WANT to marry, I will do it. Until then, career above all.”
“Very well. Let’s see if you can afford your Masters. Then we’ll talk about it.” Shehnaz replies and leaves the room
“Don’t worry. I will.” Soni shoots back.
_____________________________________________________________________
Soni sits on the bed with a six-month-old baby girl in her lap, sucking on a feeder bottle while a one-and-a-half-year-old boy tugs on her kameez.
“Ammi!! I need to go to the bathroom!” He wails.
“I told you to wait a minute!” Soni scolded him.
A guy in his early forties comes into the room with a towel wrapped on his torso. “Where is my inner vest and underwear?” He asks while opening the cabinets and then closing them again.
“It is in the first drawer to your right.” She replies quietly.
“It is not there.” He closes the wardrobe. “You have one job Soni! To take care of the house and kids. What do you do at home all day besides watching TV? Didn’t even finish your degree!” He goes back into the bathroom and slams the door shut.
The boy keeps tugging on Soni’s kameez as tears stream down her face.
_____________________________________________________________________
“…scratch that, My love made me accept all my love.” Soni finishes her reading. A thunderous applause emerges from the crowd. She looks at everyone, beaming with happiness, and gives a little bow. She finds a 6 feet tall guy with blonde hair waiting for her with flowers in his hands as she comes off the stage.
“Congratulations on your first reading!” He kisses her on the cheeks and hands her the flowers.
Soni blushingly accepts it. “Thank you for coming, Rob!”
“Of course!” He puts his hands around her shoulders and guides her out of the area.
Soni gazes at the Fulton University banner ahead of her. “I can’t believe after all the odds that were stacked against me, I made it. Pursuing my MFA, found freedom and love, just living my life on my own terms.”
“You should be proud of yourself.” Rob gives her shoulders a squeeze.
“I am.” Soni looks ahead. “I am proud that I fought for what I wanted in life.”